Squirrelsville – An unnamed gray squirrel lashed out violently today when denied its normally easily obtained meal of sunflower seeds.
The vandalism occurred on the Denker property, after the owners replaced their regular birdfeeder with one of the squirrelproof variety. After spending nearly an hour attempting to break into the new feeder and causing a great deal of noise, the rodent abandoned its task and all appeared peaceful.
However, when homeowner Jayne Denker looked out the front door later that morning, she realized that the flowers her son had given her for Mother’s Day had been pulled out of her grandmother’s watering can that she now uses as a planter. One plant was lying on the step, its roots gnawed, and a large amount of potting soil was scattered all over the front stoop.
“I don’t care if it’s circumstantial evidence,” Denker says. “I know it was that little &#!% [censored]. He was sending a message: Put the old style feeder back, or another of your flowers gets it.”
The neighborhood is usually quiet, Denker says, and she was unable to come up with names of any other enemies who would vandalize her property in just that way.
“Dust the flower root for teeth marks. I guarantee you it’ll match that squirrel’s dental impressions. It’s obvious the rodent was out for vengeance.”
Authorities recommend residents keep an eye out for the perp, described as gray-haired and quite fat, with an evil look in his eye, potting soil in his claws, and flower root fibers caught in his teeth. If you encounter this squirrel, do not approach. Throw sunflower seeds at it and run.
[Sigh. Yep, it’s summer. And this is what happens when I’m supposed to be editing my latest MS… – JD]